What Was I Thinking?
by Reckless Dreamer Yuna
Summary: I'm developing my sense of humor, till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth, till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet. Inuyasha reflects on loving Kagome, and how there's good in the bad things about love. Oneshot, T for language, InuXKag.


**A/N: I wrote this to make my point on how much I **_**thoroughly **_**hate being in love, and I think I've found myself in it again. Feeling things for another person is the worst sometimes, so I think I'll just write it all away. Enjoy, you guys.**

**I do not own Inuyasha or Fuck Was I Thinking by Jenny Owen Youngs, but I highly suggest you listen to the song…describes perfectly how I'm feeling…and probably how Inuyasha felt, too.**

**Fuck Was I**

_Love grows in me like a tumor,_

_Parasite bent on devouring its host._

He remembered the first time he fell in love. He had been with Kikyo, of course, watching the woman who held all the beauty and grace in the world as she slept quietly. He remembered how honored he felt to have such a beautiful specimen by his side, even if she didn't hold his hand or kiss him or let him touch her. He wasn't lonely anymore.

But that had been once upon a time long ago. He was dealing with the real thing, now. _Love_, oh how it had to be the sickest thing in the world, the way it spread and wracked through your body like a disease, making you sick to your stomach. How it had to be the most boisterous thing to have ever been heard of, how it pricked like a thorn. When it came to love, Inuyasha had _sworn_, taken a fucking _oath _that he wouldn't need it anymore, that he didn't need it pricking him like a thorn or being boisterous with him, that he didn't need love beating him down to a pulp, making him think _and _act like a weakling.

And then, Kagome happened.

_I'm developing my sense of humor,_

_Till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,_

_Till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet._

Once he felt it, he vowed not to feel it again. But then he felt it over and over again until he felt a strong sense of pride in the girl from the future, until he wanted to protect her with his own life, until Kikyo was the last thing on his mind and until Kagome was the first person he thought of when he woke up.

If he had any guess, he'd fallen in love very slowly, and then all at once. Imagine! Imagine how it felt to give someone your heart without your knowing as soon as it happened, imagine how you'd come to depend on a person so much that you _absolutely needed _them by your side.

Maybe he fell in love with her when she promised to stay by his side.

That was the most sincere look he'd ever seen in his life. Even more sincere than his mother's were back when she used to brush his hair and sing him to sleep before telling him that he wasn't a monster.

_Skillet on the stove is such a temptation._

_Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned,_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

He watched her as she slept, just like he used to do with Kikyo. But Kagome was funnier to watch, she was much more _interesting_. There were these light snores coming from her button nose, and then there were her long, dark lashes, and then there were her full, pink lips. He'd fallen in love with every inch of her, with everything the young girl had to offer. He'd fallen in love with her anger, with her sadness, her happiness, and he'd fallen in love with each and every single one of those dark lashes.

Annoyed by all the feelings that were consuming him, he closed his eyes, knowing what tomorrow night would bring. It would be a new moon, and he'd feel as if he was drowning even deeper into the feelings than he was now. He'd be a human, the complete same as her.

And as sure as he hated it, he was sure that she adored _every single part of him_.

**XXxXxXx**

_Love plows through me like a dozer,_

_I've got more give than a bale of hay,_

"You can't go back!" Inuyasha had sneered, his hand jerking her wrist back and he knew of the mistake he'd made as soon as she looked up at him with the same eyes he'd fell in love with. Only now, they were filled with shock and hurt.

You see, Inuyasha absolutely _hated _it when she was angry with him. He hated it when she screamed at him and he hated it especially when she sat him. But the thing he hated the most was when she had to go back to her own time, because _she belonged here_ with him where she said she'd always _stay_.

He watched as the girl he loved—who was blossoming into a woman more and more each day—stomped her foot and jerked away from him as if his touch had scolded her. His ears drooped, and suddenly, he didn't want to fight anymore.

"You _jerk_!" she yelled, her face turning red from the pressure that was about to make her head explode. "I have to go back! We're running low on our stocks and plus, I've gotta cram if I want to pass my essay for English class. I'll be back in three days tops, Inuyasha. _Pleaseeeee_!"

He hated it when she begged, too, hated it when she made those big puppy dog eyes at him and stuck her bottom lip out, laced her hands together upon her chest and leaned towards him, absolutely _begging _him.

He turned away because that was all that he could do, crossing his arms. "You know we've got shards to hunt for, wench," he was getting angrier by the second, because he _hated _it when she made him feel as if he was the bad person. What did she have to go back for? Was it really for her education? To see the Hojo boy who so obviously liked her? To purposely make him lonely? Is that where she _really _wanted to be, in a world without him?

The thing about him was that he _always _said something he'd regret in just seconds. "Kikyo would never be so selfish to just up and leave in the middle of a fucking war, even if she did have to go back to another time and take stupid _tests _and _essays_—"

The group's eyes had widened now, mouths hanging open as they heard what he had to say. He cracked his knuckles, the silence suddenly deafening to his ears. He turned to glance at Kagome only to see her standing there, tears coming to her eyes way before he smelled them.

He felt the overwhelming need to run over to her and wrap his arms around her, apologize.

…_and there's always a big mess left over,_

_What did you do?_

_What did you say?_

He nearly whimpered from the look she was giving him. "_Kagome—"_

She shook her head, putting up a hand to stop him from speaking. "Sit," she whispered, and he immediately slammed into the ground, the force and impact harsh but he was numb to it, used to it. It wore off soon enough, and he slowly raised himself up, head bent down in shame.

He'd never wanted to say sorry so bad. And he _deserved _to feel sorry. "I'm leaving now, Inuyasha…and if Kikyo's so unselfish, and so much _better_ than me, you should go take up your own offer and go sneak off to see her tonight like you _always do _when you see her soul collectors."

She bid goodbye to the rest of the group, and before he could say another word, she'd taken off on Kirara.

"You really are a _jerk_, Inuyasha!" Shippo called after him, and Inuyasha ignored him and did all he could do, which was to fall to the ground and slam his hand down hard on the dirt that he'd been face down in a few seconds ago.

But she was Kagome, and he knew Kagome _always _came back.

**xXxXxXx**

_Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,_

_Maybe I'll be the _special _one that doesn't get burned._

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

He remembered how angry she looked when she came in the room to see him sitting there, most likely looking like a kicked puppy. He sat on the floor, his back against the wall and his head downcast.

He lifted his eyes and watched as she tightened the towel around her body. He didn't see why she was so awkward and uncomfortable in her own skin, because he found her beautiful in every single way. Her body had matured and she had begun to get curvier in just the right places, and her stomach and thighs were toned from all the fighting, walking, or running that they did on an almost daily basis. She was simply Kagome. Simply beautiful.

He watched as she rolled her hazel eyes at him before going back to the bathroom to change. When she came out she was wearing those weird clothes from her time that she called _jeans_. They were tight around her hips, but he liked her skirt better. Especially when she rode on his back in just that flimsy little thing of hers that she called _clothing_, his hands gripping tight around her creamy thighs and his—

She cleared her throat. "I suppose you've cooled off by now."

"I'm sorry," he started. "I didn't mean anything I said."

She sat on her bed and looked up at him with blank eyes. "I couldn't remember the last time you compared me to her and now you decide to do it."

She opened up a heavy textbook, a sigh falling from her lips. She took on a more comfortable position and laid on her belly, eyes scanning over the words. She seemed so concentrated, but he could hear the way her heart was beating, tell from her actions towards him that she was still very upset.

It was nobody else's job but his to make her feel better, to make the pain go away.

"I wanted you to stay," he admitted, fidgeting uncomfortably when she looked up at him, surprised. But he had to be even more surprised than her when a wide smile spread across her lips, so he went on. "No jewel hunting. I just wanted you to stay. And Kikyo couldn't…um…you know, compare to you."

She'd always told him that she wanted him to be honest.

Her laugh sounded like music to him. She was so excited that she jumped off the bed, making him stand in alertness. He was almost thrown back from the force of her chest crashing into his, her arms wrapping around his neck.

His heart dropped to the floor when she whispered, "Oh, Inuyasha, I'll _always _come back. When I said that I'd stay by your side, I meant it."

**xXxXxXx**

_Love tears me up like a demon,_

_Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,_

She giggled quietly behind him as her hands continued to massage his scalp, and he growled.

"Watch my fucking ears." He snarled, and she ignored him and just giggled again before ducking his head down into the cold stream. She continued to massage his scalp with the weird stuff from her time that she called '_sham-poo', _obviously enjoying his torture.

Not that he minded the cold or anything. It was soothing his nerves, and he'd never, ever admit it, but the way her slender fingers massaged his scalp made him feel…_good_. She reminded him of his mother in a way, and then in another way, she was her own person. And he absolutely loved and loathed her at the same time for just being _Kagome_.

"Come on," she said gently. "Duck your head down. We've gotta get all these tomatoes and blood out of your hair. And then it'll smell all nice and clean and it'll be as silky as it's ever been once we put the conditioner in—"

"No," he growled. "That's too fuckin' girly."

"If you aren't going to cooperate, Inuyasha—"

He sighed. "It's too girly. My hair is already _silky _or whatever, I don't need that shit."

She giggled again and pushed his head down, forcefully making it duck into the cold water. He snarled once he lifted his face up.

"You have a point," she told him. "Your hair is so pretty. I wish mine was like yours."

He couldn't growl anymore, the way she was massaging his scalp felt too good, and then she would run her soft hands over his dog ears, nearly making him purr in delight. He hated so many things about her, but he loved them all at the same time, and he knew he could _never _hate her.

"Inuyasha?" she said quietly, hands still running through his hair. "I'm sorry about what happened at the village. First, you got hurt because of me. And then you get vegetable remains all in your hair. I'm just _really sorry_."

His eyes met hers as he turned around to face her. She had that big puppy dog look in her eyes and he could've melted right then and there, but that wasn't even the half of it. Their proximity was making his blood run hot.

…_and I'm having some trouble just breathing._

_If we weren't such good friends, I think that I'd hate you._

_If we weren't such good friends, I'd wish you were dead._

"Why be sorry?" He asked, watching her lips with all the intensity in the world as they parted, watching the pretty flesh of her neck as she gulped. A blush ran to her cheeks, and she looked down to her hands. Her eyes, however, met his after a few seconds, mushy feelings, intensity and all. The Kagome he knew _never_ backed down.

He could barely breathe, that's how close she was.

"Well, I don't think you're an abomination, Inuyasha," she said in almost a whisper. "I…I think I like you just the way you are, and I don't ever want you to change or be someone you're not. Because you're you. And being someone else wouldn't make you different, really."

Her hand brushed across his cheek. It was the most intimate gesture he'd gotten from her in a while. "You're you. And I hate it when that kind of stuff upsets you, you know? You're not a monster. You're more of a hero than anything. You're _my _hero, and you save my life everyday, and there's not enough thank you's in the world to make up for that. You're _perfect _just the way you are, Inuyasha. Don't forget it, okay?"

He didn't say anything else, just pulled her close to him. What else could he do? He'd lucked out with the gods this time.

There wasn't enough thank you's in the world to say to her for what she'd just said to him, so he pressed his lips against her forehead, held her closer.

He was sure she got the point.

**xXxXxXx**

_Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,_

_Maybe I'll be the _lucky _one that doesn't get burned._

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

"Inuyasha! Get out of that tree _right now_, we are _going _to talk about this!"

He didn't want to talk. He wanted to go and beat the living _shit _out of Kouga, and he would have accomplished it had it not been for Kagome and this stupid spell she had on him. Damn it all to hell!

Puny wolf boy had come again earlier that day. The sun had been hot and he'd already been seething in rage, and the group was ready to kill someone, something, or kill each other for the hell of it. Wolf-shit should have _known _better.

And then he came, acting as if he was some fucking wolf prince here to sweep _his _Kagome away, take her to that fucking nasty wolf-den of his and mate her, make her raise their pups and isolate her from the rest of humanity for eternity.

And then wolf-shit had fucking _kissed _her, on the lips no less! She hadn't pulled away, and he knew it was because she was mostly too shocked to do anything else, but the blush that spread across her cheeks like a fucking _tsunami _enraged him even more.

You can guess what happened next. He had absolutely lost it, almost exploded into bits-and-pieces. He had given her fucking _fleas_, probably, and already ready to kill something or _anything_, losing it was not even the word for his rage. He had been as serious as he had ever been, pulling out Tessaiga and swinging it quicker than Kagome had the chance to sit him.

Of course those two jewels in his legs were the only thing that made him faster than he was, and the wolf had dodged, the surprised look on his face quickly turning to one of amusement. He blew a kiss at Kagome, winked at him. This had enraged the practically foaming at the mouth Inuyasha even more, and his Iron Reaver Soul Stealer was abruptly interrupted by a repeat of furious _sits_.

Kagome had politely told Kouga that she was not his woman, but the polite part pissed him off even more. So he was there with his face in the dirt as he watched the wolf trip over his own words, making an ass out of himself in front of Kagome. The wolf had the nerve to kiss her cheek and tell her that he'd be back to check on _'his woman_' soon, leaving a whirlwind of dust behind him.

He didn't even have the audacity to talk to her. He'd thrown a fit, told her that she could have Kouga if she wanted him so badly, and ran off.

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

"I don't want to talk to you…" he told her, folding his arms across his chest and avoiding her as best as he could.

"Alright…if you want to do this the hard way—"

She was climbing up the tree now, the branches cracking as she grabbed on to them for support. He growled lowly, almost inaudibly, watched as she lost her footing and almost fell to her death. He caught her, though, growling and snarling all the while. He jumped upon another branch, pulling her into his lap.

"Crazy wench, what're you trying to do?"

It was only then that he really felt the heat that came from underneath her skirt, realized how close they were once again. He blushed and cleared his throat, the sweet scent of her arousal filling his nose suddenly. But he wasn't letting her go.

"Kagome?" he asked, his voice much softer.

She looked at him, surprised. "Oh…ah—oh!" her anger seemed to be diminished for a second before it came back, full speed. "Why are you mad at _me_? I don't want Kouga, I've made this clear to you before. So there's no reason to get mad and storm off, you friggin' jerk! I don't get it, anyway! Are other guys not supposed to have even the slightest attraction to me? It's not _fair_!"

He growled, pulling her closer and making her squirm and wiggle against him, and the growl immediately turned into a groan.

"Fuck, Kagome! He kissed you! On the fucking mouth, gave you all his wolf germs!" Inuyasha yelled, trying to tone down _his _arousal with his anger, but the situation wasn't working out well for either of them. "And you're so fucking _nice _to him, don't you realize that makes it worse?"

He was in pure torture and pure bliss as she wiggled against him some more, trying to break free of his hold. Her anger was flaring, almost overpowering her arousal due to their closeness, but not quite. He'd always known she was attracted to him _that_ way, but did she love him? That's another thing he hated about her. She was always prancing around somewhere, always _confusing _him.

"Stop moving, wench, before you kill us both!" he yelled in her ear, making her whimper in frustration, still not giving up her fight to break free.

"I should be mad at _you_! You're always sneaking off to see Kikyo, and then Kouga-kun tries to show his affection for me and you just _blow up_! Why can't you ever admit that you're just _jealous_, you baka?!" he was starting to smell tears along with her arousal and anger. "Why is it so bad for anyone to show me attention? Do you think I'm that _disgusting _that no one should acknowledge me, or is it just because _I'm not her_?"

All the wiggling around she was doing did him in, and he panicked, hoping she'd be too caught up in yelling at him to notice. Yes, he was hearing everything she was saying, but another part of him was _feeling _all the moving she was doing against him, and that _part _of him was winning over.

She was really crying. "It's just not fair! You tried to _kill _him Inuyasha—"

She paused, nearly screaming. "_Inuyasha_!"

They fell out of the tree then, and he blocked her fall, she landed on top of him and immediately shot up, all crying ceased and anger gone. But the arousal, it was the most prominent scent in the air.

He panted as he stood, refusing to look a bewildered Kagome in the eyes, cheeks blood red.

He did the first thing he could think of. He ran, only to be sat from her. It was a mere whisper, but that didn't make the spell any less powerful.

_Oh, love is so embarrassing._

_I'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing,_

_And I'm running out of places to hide._

She towered over him, a little smile on her face and her cheeks still wet. "I guess you're not as disgusted with me as I thought."

He prepared to run again as soon as the spell wore off.

"Sit," she said dully, noticing the way his muscles tensed.

He growled. "Kagome…it was a fucking _accident_. Just lemme go, I don't wanna talk."

"I do," she chirped happily, standing over him. "To put it simply, there's no room for Kouga in my heart."

He stood, still red in the face and uncomfortable as he'd ever been. She took a step closer to him, a wide grin on her face. He'd never understand how emotional the girl was. One minute she was angry, aroused, sad, and now she was still aroused, and happy.

"Oh…" he said, feeling quite dumb. Maybe it was from the fall he'd taken or from how many times she had sat him, but as she stepped closer, he suddenly became dizzy in the essence of her. No, she was _his _Kagome, and he'd be damned if he let wimpy wolf snatch her away. "Who's taking all the room, then?"

His eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head as she reached a hand up to toy with a triangular ear, a giggle coming from her throat. And then he felt her warm breath on his ear, and he _could've _groaned, but he didn't.

She said it in a whisper, but he heard it loud and clear. "You."

He stood there dazed, completely entranced by her mere presence. He never knew she could be so…so _bold_. She giggled again at the look on his face, leaned forward until her lips were centimeters from his.

"You said something about wolf germs all on my mouth," she told him quietly. "Would I be asking for too much if I asked you to kiss them _all _away?"

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

He didn't think, he just complied, lips eagerly brushing across hers.

The last thing he remembered was her wrapping her arms around his neck, giggling against his mouth.

And of course, he kissed her till she couldn't laugh anymore.

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

**A/N: The end! It's 3 in the morning, so thank god for spring break. As you guys see, I tried to make this story as humorous and fluffy as possible, considering that I've been down in the dumps about being in love again. *Sighs softly* I wish my love story was as perfect as Inuyasha's and Kagome's, but it's nowhere near. *Sighs again***

**I tried my best not to make it too 'angsty' considering I tend to write angst without even realizing it. I used to play this song constantly like, two years ago, and I ran across it again. It's such a freaking adorable little song, and most of my one-shots are inspired by songs, ya know, so I had to do it. And I finished it in a day. I definitely didn't want **_**anything **_**to do with angst this time, cause I was already feeling bad enough about the whole love situation. And I like how it turned out, considering it's mostly from Inuyasha's point of view and how he feels about knowing he's in love with Kagome. I just thought it was adorable.**

**Anyway, reviews, please? I always said if I ever fall in love again I'd want someone to shoot me, so if I get reviews, it'll probably not make me want to shoot myself so much. Hope you guys enjoyed it!**


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